Raph the giraffe was the tallest of all

He’d glance with disdain down the length of his nose

And remark to the other giraffes: ‘I suppose

You’re jigglingly jealous; what you want to be

Is as tall, and as high, and as handsome as me

But you’re riff-raff giraffes, you’re all the wrong sort

Your heads are too low and your necks are too short

Riff-raff!’

And every time that snot-snooty snob

Thought horrible thoughts and then opened his gob

His neck grew and grew – slowly at first

But then faster and faster, and what is the worst

When his neck stretched up high like a string of elastic

Raph the giraffe thought he looked most fantastic

‘Hey you riff-raff giraffes, you’re all the wrong sort

Your heads are too low and your necks are too short

Riff-raff!’

Raph’s neck kept on growing; it tickled the trees

And curled round the clouds as they bounced on the breeze

So fast did this boastful beast’s neck grow, that soon

It had shot up in space and moved up near the moon

And Raph just looked down at the other giraffes

And said (between chuckles and chortles and laughs):

‘You riff-raff giraffes, you’re all the wrong sort

Your heads are too low and your necks are too short

Riff-raff!’

His neck whooshed through space, it veered towards Venus

(‘Those riff-raff giraffes there won’t even have seen us!)

His neck stretched and stretched and he thought it great fun

He was higher than Mercury, close to the sun

But guess what that big-headed beast clean forgot?

The sun, right up there, is horrifically hot

‘Hooray!’ shouted Raph ‘My magnificent neck!’

Then he saw the sun’s flames and he hollered

‘OH HECK!

‘You riff-raff giraffes, do something – fast!

Before I go up with a bang and a blast

RIFF-RAFF!’

His words boinged and bounced as they echoed through space

Till at last, some weeks later, they came to the place

Where the other giraffes stood in the zoo

‘What’, cried the other giraffes, ‘shall we do?

Raph’s situation is desperately dire

He’s close to the sun – look, his ears are on fire!

He’ll frizzle, he’ll frazzle, he’ll fruzzle, he’ll fry

If we don’t rescue Raph then he’s going to die!’

Some of them murmured: ‘So what? Let him burn!

He was horrid to us lot and now it’s his turn!’

Some became mad, and some even madder:

‘How can we help him? We haven’t a ladder!’

But others cried: ‘No! He may like to boast

But we can’t simply leave him to burn up like toast’

‘Giraffes to the rescue!’ they yelled, fetching boulders

And making a tower on each other’s high shoulders

They climbed from their cage and ran straight through the city

Then sat in a circle and formed a committee

Till one cried: ‘I’ve got it! I know how to stop it!

We’ll burst his long neck, yes, we just have to pop it!

We’ll spear it, we’ll lance it, we’ll pierce it, we’ll stick it

We’ll spike it, harpoon it, we’ll puncture and prick it

But quickly, act quickly, his forehead’s on fire

We need a tall building, one with a spire’

Then panting and puffing and huffing and moaning

And chuffing and grumbling and grunting and groaning

They pulled up a building, known as The Shard

And found Raph’s long neck and then rammed it in hard

‘Oooo!’ yelled out Raph as he let out a howl

And a shriek and a scream and a yelp and a yowl

‘You riff-raff giraffes! You’ve caused a disaster!’

But slowly at first, and then faster and faster

His neck, like a party-worn tired balloon

Shrivelled and shrank like a wrinkled old prune

Raph’s neck had been filled with a load of hot air

And the other giraffes could do nothing but stare

In wide-eyed amazement (though some of them cheered)

As Raph’s neck got smaller and then disappeared

And Raph looked up at the others and said

(As the last blob of neck jellied into his head)

‘You riff-raff giraffes, you’re all the wrong sort

Your heads are too low and your necks are too short

Riff-raff!’

Which, you’ll agree, was most terribly reckless

For one who was shortened and shrivelled and neckless

As Raph the giraffe, for ever after

Was followed by sniggers and snickers and laughter

But some people never learn, do they?

(Chocolatey, chewy, chocolatey, chewy)

It’s oozing oodles of dream-creamy filling

(Gorgeously gooey, gorgeously gooey)

But what will I say to my parents, because

I have a small problem: the chocolate cake

Was

(If you know what I mean)

And I don’t know what to do, you see

As I’m feeling too full for my birthday tea

But now I’m five I know the game –

I’ll just find somebody younger to blame

And I think: ‘Well really, they might have known

I mean what were they wondering, what did they think?

I was going to go and shrink?’

And then they say: ‘What do you want to do?’

And I think to myself: ‘But I haven’t a clue!

I’m still very young and the world is wide

I’ll wait till I’m big, then I might decide’

But if I ask: ‘Will the sun sing today,

And will the wind dance and buttercups sway?’

They purse their lips, and then they say:

‘Don’t ask silly questions

Don’t ask silly questions’

Promised he’d give a ride on his back

To the creature he thought was the most polite

You should have heard the din that night!

‘Me!’ oinked the pig

And ‘Me!’ baaed the sheep

And ‘Me!’ mooed the cow, bellowing deep

And ‘Me!’ quacked the duck

And ‘Me!’ screeched the cat

And ‘Me! Me! Me!’ squeaked the farmyard rat

‘Sssshh’, said the dog, ‘haven’t you heard

Of the best, the kindest, most magic word?’

If you can’t guess what it is – very well

I’ll give you a clue – it starts with ‘P’ ‘L’’

‘I know!’ cried the pig as it gave a small sniffle

It’s pl-pl-pl, pl-pl-pl, pl-pl-pl

Pliffle!’

‘Of course not!’ the sheep baaed, ‘Stop talking such nonsense

It’s pl-pl-pl, pl-pl-pl, pl-pl-pl

Plonsense!’

‘Nah’, mooed the cow, who was sniffing a conker

‘It’s pl-pl-pl, pl-pl-pl, pl-pl-pl

Plonker!’

‘This rubbish’, the duck quacked, ‘has just got to stop

It’s pl-pl-pl, pl-pl-pl, pl-pl-pl

Plop!’

‘Wrong!’ cried the cat, who was eating a fish

‘It’s pl-pl-pl, pl-pl-pl, pl-pl-pl

Plish!’

‘That’s no good at all!’ squeaked the rat ‘You’re all silly

It’s pl-pl-pl, pl-pl-pl, pl-pl-pl

Plilly!’

The dog looked round. ‘Well this is absurd

Does nobody know the magic word?’

But then, carried faint on the whispering breeze

He heard ‘Pl-pl-pl, pl-pl-pl, pl-pl-pl please’

‘Alleluia!’ the dog cried out

‘And there I was, beginning to doubt

That anyone else round here was polite

Thank goodness that one of you got it right!

But who said please? Yes, do tell me who

As I want to award the prize to you’

‘Us’ came a voice, ‘we said ‘please’’

And the dog looked around and he saw two

FLEAS!

The dog went pale, his face filled with dread

‘But I didn’t really mean what I said

Hey look’, he went on, ‘Look here, you guys

Maybe you’d like a different prize’

‘You promised’ the fleas said ‘you must keep your word

You promised a ride, it can’t be transferred’

‘Noooooo’ yelped the dog, howling out the dark

‘Your bite is far, far, worse than my bark

But as I promised a ride – hop on’

And he picked up his tail and away they were gone

And do you think those fleas did bite?

What did you say?

Well you’re probably right

Mum’s on the stairs – I can hear her feet

So quickly, quickly, quickly HIDE

She’s on the landing, right outside

So close your eyes, keep still, breathe deep

And just pretend you’re fast asleep

Coast clear? OK…

Show me! Show me! What have you got?

A square of chocolate (not a lot!)

Three crisps, two sweets, one peanut (tick)

I hear a noise – just hide it, quick!

So close your eyes, keep still, breathe deep

And just pretend you’re fast asleep

Coast clear? Ok…

Do you think it’s time we ate?

Look at the clock. Half past eight?

Maybe we should just begin

Ssshhh – there’s Mum, she’s coming in!

So close your eyes, keep still, breathe deep

And just pretend you’re fast asleep

Coast clear? Ok…

It must be nearly midnight now

Oh let’s just start it anyhow

Where’s the torch? The battery’s dead

Help! There’s Mum! Get back to bed!

So close your eyes,

keep still,

breathe deep

And just

pretend

you’re fast

asl…

I’m the man with a plan

I’m saving the world

That’s right, I am!

I can do anything

I’ve got superhero powers

Like jumping in big puddles

And constructing great tall towers

I can even fly

I’ve got superhero wings

Though my Mum might tell you

That they’re mittens on strings

I’m a wham bam superman

I’m Superhero Sam

I’m saving the world

That’s right, I am!

I defeat all the baddies

I’m the superhero boss

Though right now I’m on the naughty step -

My Mum got really cross

I’ve got a cap and a cape

They’re my superhero clothes

And I’m saving the world

When I’ve wiped my nose

‘Cos I’m Superhero Sam

I’m the man with a plan

I’m saving the world

That’s right, I am!

Said the queen ‘Is starting to send

Me up the wall and round the bend

Happily ever after? Pish!

No – what I really, really wish’

Said the queen, as she flicked to page one

‘Is to start again. Now I’ve just begun!’

And she grabbed the ‘Once upon a time’

Hitched up her dress, and started to climb

She pulled at the letters, she tugged and she jerked

But, however hard she worked

Though she pushed at the letters, and gave them a nudge

The letters

simply

would not

budge

‘Nooooo!’ yelled the queen, ‘I won’t be condemned

To a boring happily after end

’Snot fair’ said the queen, as she stood in a rage

‘Where are my servants? I must have my page!’

Page One came up, he scratched his head

And giving a little bow, he said

‘Your Highness, you’ll find that these words are fixed

They can’t be pushed or pulled or mixed’

‘No good!’ cried the queen, ‘it’s prison for you!

You’re no help here – I’m calling Page Two’

‘These words’, said Page Two ‘will not come loose’

‘Off with your head!’ cried the queen ‘You’re no use!’

‘Who’s next?’ said the queen, ‘Hmm, let me see’

And she counted her fingers: ‘One, Two, Four’

(NO, NO! You silly queen

One, Two, THREE!)

Page Three came running, he scraped and he bowed

And said ‘You Maj, if I may be allowed

To give some advice to the nation’s dear leader

The thing that you need now, Your Maj, is a reader’

‘Phooey!’ the queen cried ‘What hogwash! Instead

I will send you to prison, then chop off your…

Hang on – what did you say?’

Page Three simply bowed again ‘All that you’re needing

Is a someone to come here and simply start reading’

‘But how’, said the queen, ‘will they mix up these letters

Can a reader make fun for its elders and betters?’

‘Why yes!’ cried Page Three, as he bowed and said

‘Come, come, Your Maj, to a reader’s head’

‘What?’ cried the queen. ‘Do you suppose

That I’d shrink and climb in through a reader’s nose

A big hairy tunnel of slime and snot?

Well think again, you dunce  – I WILL NOT!’

‘No, no’, said Page Three, ‘No, not at all

You don’t need to get slimy and snotty and small

For as soon as the reader opens the book

There you are in their head- take a look!’

And the queen gazed opened-jawed, because

Just as he’d told her, there she was!

Zooming through pages and looming in pictures

Asking for room on a broom with some witches

Eating a snack with a piglet who

Told her she must meet his friend, named Pooh

Giving a caterpillar afternoon tea

(He’s made a cocoon now – what will he be?)

Knitting some socks for a fox in a box

While getting her tongue round chicks and clocks

Having a rumpus with strange Wild Things

And flying with Tinkerbell, flapping her wings

Then off through a wardrobe, a land filled with snow

And into a peach – it’s going to go!

Dancing with snowmen and flitting through blizzards

To Hogwarts to dine with a group of young wizards

Then sleep, and a dream on a midsummer’s night

And drinking with Bloom in Dublin’s grey light

The queen turned to Page Three. ‘Thank you!’ she said

‘Books are fantastic, as long as they’re read’

And she pardoned Page Three and Page Two and Page One

‘Come!’ cried the queen ‘now it’s time for some fun!’

So look at the queen, as she skips and she goes

To the back of the book, right to the close

And she climbs up ‘The End’ and she tears up the ‘T’

And the ‘H’ and the ‘E’ and the ‘E’, ‘N’, ‘D’

Yes she rips up ‘The End’, she tears it apart

And she writes, in big letters: ‘Just The Start’

‘

He suddenly noticed he’d started to ooze

“Gazumping gadzooks!” yelled the terrified troll

“I’m leaking, I’m seeping, I’ve sprung a huge hole!’

And he stared and he stared at the pool of green goo

“Shrogstomping shindigs! Oh what shall I do?

This gunk is a-thunking, it’s going to plop

It’s dripping, it’s dropping – this plop has to stop!”

And as fast as he could this poor panic-struck troll

Fetched pails and big buckets, a basin and bowl

“I’ll get it!” he shouted “I’m going to snatch it

I’ll whip this old drip thing – I’m going to catch it”

But the drip wasn’t showing a hint of go-slowing

And soon the troll’s bowls were full up overflowing

Then “I know!” the troll cried,” I’ll just use a zip

With a zip I can clip it, this dastardly drip”

He’s now zipped it up, but do you suppose

That he knows that a zip is now zipping his nose?

And with the drip zipped, it’s hardly surprising

The pressure inside that poor troll is now rising

So if you one day meet a troll on the road

Be careful, be careful, he might just expl…

Urgh, that was a bit messy, wasn’t it?

But don’t say I didn’t try to warn you

Over here!

That’s right

Yes, you!

Now don’t breathe a word, whatever you do

This thing is top secret. That’s right, it’s essential

You don’t tell a soul, it remains

CONFIDENTIAL

Got that?

Now don’t be alarmed, but we’ve reason to think

There’s a criminal mastermind spoiling our ink

We use our felt tips, and we put the lids on

But a split second later –

Where have the lids gone?

We’ve very few clues, but we haven’t a doubt

That this criminal gang wants our ink to dry out

Your Mum might blame you – no, she never believes

It’s the work of a lidnapper, smuggler or thieves

But we know we put the lids in the right place

So now our detectives are hot on the case

And Interpol’s put out a global alert

While hoping those pen lids are safe and unhurt

It’s really not our fault we’ve got dried up ink

It has to be lidnappers

What do you think?

That’s right, we’re going on strike

We want more cash, we want more pay

Our pocket money’s far too low, we say

We’re going on strike, we won’t clear our mess

But we never do that anyway

OK, start again

We’re going on strike, on strike, tonight

That’s right, we’re going on strike

We want more money, we’re up for the fight

To purchase sweets is a human right

We’re going on strike, we won’t do the dishes

But we never do those anyway

Ok, start again

We’re going on strike, on strike from chores

That’s right, we’re going on strike

We need more chocolate, lots from the stores

If not we’ll battle, we’ll fight our wars

And we’ll never, ever do as we’re told

But we never do that anyway

Um…

We’re not going to tidy or do any jobs

Those aren’t the things that we like

But if we ever do those things

That’s right – we’re going on strike!