April 1, 2016

This Cat

I don’t want that cat,

That lounging on the mat cat;

The one I want is this cat,

The scritching scratching hiss cat.

The slashing slicing claw cat,

Not the pretty paw cat.

Take away the valley cat;

I want the dingy alley cat,

The tattered splattered fur cat,

Not the gently purr cat.

I don’t want that cat,

That tins-of-tuna fat cat,

Instead I want the lean cat,

The menacing and mean cat,

With eyes like yellow slits cat,

The one that yells and spits cat.

I don’t want the fluffy cat,

Instead I want the scruffy cat,

Not the meek and mild cat;

The spirited and wild cat,

The howl and yowl and bite cat,

The creature of the night cat.

I don’t want that cat,

That give-its-head-a-pat cat;

The one I want is this cat.

The scritching scratching hiss cat.

This cat, this cat,





March 27, 2016

Very Hot Cross Buns

The buns are cross, the buns are hot,

The buns are raging mad.

Do they like you? They do not!

They’re big, they’re bold, they’re bad.

Maybe you have seen them,

And you’re feeling rather curious.

Perhaps you’d like to try one,

But beware: those buns are furious!

Don’t you dare approach them

With a butter-burnished knife.

They’ll make you quake and quiver-shake

And tremble for your life.

The buns are cross, the buns are hot,

They’ll bite you just for fun.

So if you see them on your plate

Don’t hesitate – just RUN!

February 14, 2016

Let Us Bless the NHS (a secular prayer)

Let us bless the NHS,

The nurses and the wounds they dress,

The cleaners mopping every mess,

The doctors working under stress.

Yes, let us bless the NHS.


Let us praise, for evermore,

The staff on every ward and floor,

Who mend the sick and cure each sore,

And health and happiness restore.

Yes, let us bless the NHS.


Politicians, hear our plea:

Let us laud it, let it be,

For ever ours and ever free,

From birth and to our death, and then,

For generations still. Amen.

February 12, 2016

Valentine’s Gift

I’d love to lick you all over,

You lovely and luscious young dream.

I’d love to cram you inside me;

You’d taste of the creamiest cream.

I wish I could have you forever,

My own, sweet wonderful heart.

Just one look at your own dear wrapper,

And I know that we never can part.

I’ll feast on you, gorge you, my darling,

Till I’m full up of love to my brim.

Oh my dear chocolate bar, you’re my best thing by far,

Too good for my boyfriend. Stuff him!

February 10, 2016


Did Humpty Dumpty fall?

Or was somebody coming to find him?

When he sat by himself on that wall,

Did somebody come up behind him,

And give him a push, and a whack, whack, whoosh –

Some horrible murderous fellow,

Who left him for dead with his poor battered head,

His yolk running oozy and yellow?

February 5, 2016


I’ve got lots of issues with tissues.

They’re paper, so each time you sneeze

You’re using up wood, which isn’t too good.

Just think of those poor chopped-down…

Think of those poor chopped-down

Think of…


Those poor trees.

February 4, 2016


Scrambled, omelette, boiled or fried?

Flap flop flipped, or just one side?

Runny oozy yolk or hard?

Wibbly still, or slightly charred?

Eggs like this? Or eggs like that?

Or eggs like…oopsie, doopsie, SPLAT!

January 13, 2016

The Where

Do you dare to hunt a Where,

To trap it, snap it in a snare?

Will you go through misty murk,

To find the place a Where might lurk?

If we’re lucky, we may see

Exactly where the Where could be.

What’s that noise? A Where­-ish hiss?

It’s not in that place, or in this.

Ssssh! Be careful! Lie down flat!

It’s not in this place, or in that.

Did it make that growling sound?

It’s not about, it’s not around.

Is it thither? Is it yonder?

Or does a Where prefer to wander,

Never here, and never there?

Yes, do you dare to hunt a Where?


January 10, 2016

The Why

There’s sometimes a Why which whizzes around.

It makes such a whining and bothersome sound.

You brush it away, you give it a whack,

But insistent, incessant, it always comes back,

And buzzes all day through the thoughts in your brain,

Driving you totally, truly insane!

You bosh it, you bash it, you bish it, you swat.

But can you forget it? Of course you cannot!

So that is the reason you always should try,

Whenever you’re able, to answer a Why.



January 9, 2016

The Elephant’s Trunk

My nose, I suppose, is an elescope;

It’s hollow and terribly long.

But I use it to smell not to see, so oh well,

Perhaps I have got the name wrong.