Made from Scratch

When it comes to homemade cooking there is no-one who’s my match,

I use all the best ingredients; my food is made from scratch.

Yes, my food is made from scritches, and this lovely cheddar cheese

Has been crafted from mosquito blood and little flecks of fleas.

There are scabs in all these scallops, there are pox marks in the pears,

While the bread is given texture by some bristly thistly hairs.

Would you like some nice risotto? It has crunchy munchy bits

As the rice has lots of lice inside, and also several nits.

Now, these eggs are cooked with eczema, and I keep them in my fridges

Where I also store these mushrooms which are fried with tiny midges.

These baked beans are boiled with bedbugs, which is why they tend to hop.

And dessert? It’s made with dandruff, just a sprinkling on the top.

What a range of good ingredients my recipes have in!

But the thing they have in common is these little flakes of skin.

As I’ve said, with homemade cooking, there is no-one who’s my match,

So I’ve made some special cakes for you. Do stay and taste this batch.

 

 

 

 

 

Blinds and Certains

Mrs Tara Toffeenosed

Keeps her certains firmly closed,

And shuts down every drape and blind

In case the windows on her mind

Are opened up to let in light,

And prove that she’s not always right.

What Really Happened

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet,

Eating a large piece of cake.

A spider came by, but the girl said ‘Nice try!’

And she flattened it – SQUASH! – with a rake.