A Very British Holiday

Squidgy midgy sandwiches,

Squeezy cheesy soggy.

Drizzly mizzly beach resorts,

Freezy wheezy foggy.

But hey – today’s a holiday!

And so we’ll all have fun

By groaning moaning gleefully

To curse the lack of sun.

Urgh!

I don’t like chocolate.

I don’t like cheese.

I don’t like pasta

And I don’t like peas.

I don’t like ice cream, no matter what the weather,

But they’re yummy yum yum when they’re all mixed together.

 

I don’t like haddock.

I can’t stand ham.

I don’t like jellied eels.

I’m not a fan of jam.

I don’t like burgers, even served with chips,

But when they’re mixed together then I always lick my lips.

 

I don’t like mincemeat.

I run a mile from mustard.

I hurry from a curry,

And I cringe before a custard.

I don’t like sausages, especially in a stew.

But I’ve mixed them all together, and I’ve saved some

JUST FOR YOU.

 

Sun Moult

The weather’s so hot that the sun’s started moulting.

It’s shedding its rays – my god, it’s revolting!

Rays on the carpet, rays on the chairs,

Rays on the table top, rays on the stairs.

Mum’s allergic to rays, so we’ve cleaned and we’ve scrubbed,

We’ve brushed and we’ve hoovered, we’ve swept and we’ve rubbed,

But the rays simply stay there. Unless there’s some rain,

We’re rather afraid that those rays will just stain.

And the rays keep on coming, they’re dropping, they’re pelting;

The sun is still moulting, and we are still melting.

We’ve all tried our best, but this isn’t much fun.

Have you a home for an unwanted sun?

 

Holiday Packing

If you go to Peru, do you know what to do

When you’re thinking of what to bring back?

If there aren’t any farmers who’ll give you their llamas

Then…

…put a small alpaca in your pack.

But sometimes, of course, just the one’s not so fun

When you’ve been all the way to Peru,

So get the knack of stacking those alpacas in your packing

And somehow find the room for both the two.

BUT…

If you’re knackered by the packing and you’re stumped by all the stacking

And you want to get some backing but the backing seems quite lacking

Then to pick the perfect packer who will stack your pet alpacas

And will put them in your packing with a snack of crunchy crackers

Just…

give us a call, we won’t charge you at all,

And our service will come with a grin.

But if you don’t track your alpaca-stacked pack

The alpacas will just pack it in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Too Hot

Too hot

To work,

Too hot

To play;

A sweltering

Meltering sort

Of day.

I fry

I boil

I roast

I bake

My sweat,

I bet,

Would make

A lake.

And when

I snooze

My brains

Might ooze

A stream

Of thoughts

Upon

My shoes.

A thinky

Pinky

Drinky

Muddle,

Until

My brains

Are just

A puddle.

Drip

Drip

Drip

Drop

I wish

This heat

Would stop.

Drop.

 

 

 

 

Confidence

I can do it with my eyes shut,

Or standing on my head,

I can do it doing cartwheels,

Or fast asleep in bed.

I can do it when I walk to school

Or when I’m in the swimming pool

Or when I’m sick and feeling queasy

Even when I’m old – it’s EASY!

I really can! I really can!

It’s not up for discussion.

I’ll shut my eyes and do it now.

Oh dear

I’ve got

Concussion.

 

Local Bookshops

Quick! Quick! The click of a mouse!

Order your copy online!

It’s the latest bestseller that everyone’s got,

With sparkly gold words on the spine.

But now take a wander, a stroll and a wonder,

Set off for a walk down the street,

Go browse in the bookshop and make some new friends

And who knows what new books you might meet.

There are books that are famous with five-star reviews,

Among them unsung ones, obscure ones – you choose!

Books that you’ve heard of and ones that you’ve missed,

And books that you’d never have thought would exist.

Go in to get one book, then pick up another,

A gift for your neighbour, a tome for your mother,

A novel, biography, children’s books too,

Or a book that you’ll read when you’re sat on the loo.

The staff are all friendly (they’re not like computers),

They’ll know just the book that you need.

So don’t go online; pop on down to your bookshop

Whenever you want a good read.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Grumble Dryer

If your mum’s all mumbly-moany and the situation’s dire,

We’ve got the very thing to help: The Mumble Grumble Dryer!

Put her in, and watch her spin, then leave her for a while,

And soon enough (let’s hope she’s tough) she’s bound to give a smile.

Watch it tumble, hear the rumble, spinning, spinning, spinning,

Then take her out; without a doubt, your mother will be grinning!

But not too long; it might go wrong, as if she’s over-mixed,

She’ll look quite mad (though never sad), her grin all rictus-fixed.

The Writing on the Wall

In big, black scrawl near the top of the wall

I’ve written my sister’s name.

And no-one will know that I did it at all;

My sister will get all the blame.

I’m clever as clever as clever can be

And no-one will guess; well, they might,

As although I wrote her name, not my one, you see,

My sister’s just two; she can’t write.