Nobody Did It

Nobody did it, nobody, Sir, nobody made all that mess.

Nobody pulled Eliza’s hair, nobody ripped her dress.

Nobody talked in class, Sir, nobody made all that noise.

Nobody brought their pet rat into school, nobody left out those toys.

Nobody let off a stinkbomb, Sir, nobody glued your chair.

Nobody laughed when you couldn’t get up, nobody did, so there!

Nobody’s really a terrible child, nobody’s always to blame.

So why, when anything happens in class, do you always mention my name?

It’s nobody’s fault, it’s nobody’s fault, it’s nobody’s fault, you see.

So why can’t Nobody write all these lines – why does it have to be me?

 

When Santa’s Put Into a Smartphone

There’s somebody up the chimney, somebody dressed in red.

But are you sure it’s Santa, not somebody else instead?

Ten talon-toes, two fiendish feet,

A blast of fiery furnace heat,

A wicked tail, a whooshing whip

Which ends in spear-sharp pointed tip.

No ‘ho, ho, ho’, no jolly hat,

Emerges on the fireside mat.

Instead two horns, demonic eyes,

Who could this be? What foul surprise?

I ordered him on my smartphone – ‘Santa Claus’ I said.

But autocorrect has done it again, it’s given me Satan instead.

 

 

 

 

Slice by Slice

There’s only one crumb in my tum, Mum,

Just only one crumb, you see.

So whoever ate all the chocolate cake, Mum,

It most certainly was not me.

It was luscious, delicious and gooey and nice

Well, maybe I ate just one miniscule slice

But there’s only one slice in my tum, Mum,

There’s only one slice, you see.

 

There’s only one slice in my tum, Mum,

It was only a few inches wide.

It had all this chocolately stuff in the middle,

Oozing from out the inside.

And maybe I had just a quick lick of icing

It looked so inviting and sweet and enticing

But I only had just a quick lick, Mum

Just a quick lick, you see.

 

I only had just a quick lick, Mum,

Well, maybe I ate quite a lot.

But you can’t accuse me of eating it all,

As honestly, Mum, I did not!

But when there are chocolately buttons on top

Then you have to keep eating – well how can you stop?

So maybe I ate the whole cake, Mum,

I ate the whole cake, you see.

 

There’s only one cake in my tum, Mum,

Only one cake, you see.

But that’s only one of the cakes, Mum,

And I’m sure that before there were three.

And what is that thing on your lips? A big crumb!

And why are your fingers all chocolately, Mum?

So who ate those cakes that were left, Mum?

As it definitely couldn’t be me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Phone Charger

When your battery isn’t full

And needs a little charge,

Go outside and grab a bull –

Quite fierce, but not too large.

Then paint your phone a brilliant red

And wave it near that horn-topped head.

The bull will froth and paw the ground,

And then, with belching bellow sound,

Will charge your phone to smithereens.

But isn’t that what charging means?

 

Denial

I once got a letter, a letter from Lotta,

Which said: ‘If the planet gets wetter and hotter

Will trips to the tropics be banned?’

And so, in reply, I wrote Lotta a letter,

Which said: ‘Oh no, no! It has got to be better

To bury one’s head in the sand’.

O (Way Too Early) Christmas Tree

Remember, remember, it’s only November,

And standing here’s making me mad.

It isn’t the season, I’m not feeling jolly,

And no, I’m not bloomin’ well glad.

They’re driving me crackers, these carols and cheer,

It’s another six weeks until Christmas is here!

But I’ll get my own back, and here, this is why:

You’ll be sweeping up pine needles, still, in July.

 

The Knickers Song

I seem to have my twickers in a knist, miss,

I think I’ve got them knangled in a tot.

I seem to have my knisters in a twick, miss,

I’ve tried to get them straight but I cannot.

I seem to have my twisters in a knick, miss,

I turned them outside in but that’s not it.

They’re fangled and they’re fuddled and I’m feeling quite bemuddled

As I seem to have my knisckers in a twit.

The Creative Process

If a good think comes and gives you a wink

Don’t simply sit there! Don’t just blink!

Don’t forget it, don’t ignore it!

Get some paper – write it, draw it!

Catch it! Grab it! Trap it! Snare it!

Say it, do it, live it, share it!

Then, your mind still racing, sleep

All evening, nice and deep.

And after you have had a nap

Your think will seem a load of crap.

 

Paint Your Friend

That’s it, Rachel, nice round head,

But are you sure Tim’s eyes are red?

And Lisa-Anne is not a blob.

Do try a little harder, Rob!

What delightful small green dots!

Ah, I see – bogies, lots and lots.

A monster face? Now let me guess;

You’ve painted her in fancy dress?

Oh no, I don’t agree there Mike!

That’s NOT what Sarah’s really like!

Now what’s that blue bit? Let me see?

She’s wet herself and that’s her wee?

That’s not funny, children, no!

Sit back in your seat now, Mo!

That’s brilliant work, Semiyah, wow!

Are all you children finished now?

Oh wasn’t that a lot of fun!

Good heavens, Jim, what HAVE you done!

When I said…I didn’t mean…

For goodness sake, his hair’s all green!

It’s in his ears, it’s up his nose!

You’ve even painted all his clothes!

Where’s your common sense gone, Jim?

I didn’t say to paint on him!

Wasn’t ‘paint your friend’ quite clear?

Oh dear

Oh dear

Oh dear

Oh dear!

 

 

Autumn

In the brisk and bracing breeze

The trees perform their year’s strip-tease.

Shimmy-shaking bits of bling,

The golden leaves first flutter, fling

Themselves upon the floor;

Bronze ones, brown ones, then some more,

Until (so skimpy! tiny! brief!)

All that’s left is one sole leaf,

Which with a flirty little fall

Drops down to earth, revealing all.

And now the trees, completely bare,

Dance naked in the winter’s air.