Toby

Toby is a tubby tabby; all he does is dream of mice

But to be Toby (tabby, tubby) would, I think be rather nice.

Big Headedness

The most boastful person I know

Is a girl in my school named Janet.

She always gets ten out of ten in her tests

And her head is as big as a planet.

She always goes on about how she comes first

And how we’re all rubbish and how we’re the worst

But one day she puts up her hand

And the teacher says ‘Please wait your turn’.

And we watch as her face turns tomatoey-red

And her ears seem to steam and to burn.

She screams and she yells ‘You’re a bunch of old toads’

Then she hisses and fizzes and – pop! – she explodes.

Her head all goes splat on the floor

And strange things spew out of her lips.

And then we discover she hasn’t a brain

But her head’s full of hard discs and chips.

We faint! We screech! The classroom’s chaotic!

It’s strange to discover your friend’s just robotic.

But now I am top of the class

And although I’m more brilliant than most

Yes, though I am better than any of you

I try very hard not to…

Try very hard not to…

Try very hard not to…

POP!

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t Say We Didn’t Warn You

Silly little Nicoletta wouldn’t go and get a sweater

Even when we said ‘You’d better!’

So, out on her bicycle, she turned into an icicle.

A polar bear said ‘Nice ice cream!’

And no-one heard the poor girl scream.

 

The Cough

Have you seen my head, Fred,

I think it just fell off.

It tends to feel all loose, Fred,

Every time I cough.

Have you seen my head, Fred,

Have you seen – oh heck!

Ahem, ahem, I coughed again,

Fred, have you seen my neck?

Have you seen my head, Fred?

I’d rather like it on.

A cough, a sneeze – oh Freddie, please!

Well that’s my body gone.

Have you seen my head, Fred?

I rather like my eyes.

What can I do? A cough, atchoo!

Oh well, there go my thighs.

Have you seen my head, Fred?

This whole thing rather rankles.

Oh Fred, I beg! There goes a leg!

I’m just a pair of ankles.

Have you seen my head, Fred?

At least my socks are matching

But… Fred? Good grief! Where’s your head gone?

Oh dear, this cough seems catching.

Pillow Fight

One stark and starless winter’s night

The clouds begin to pillow fight.

They’re never tired, they will not sleep!

And so, across the skies they creep

With stealthy stifled steps at first,

Then thud, bump, thump! The pillows burst,

Until, across the age-worn town,

In child-like white there whisper down

A million flakes, a feather floating,

Flutter, flitter, flicker; coating

Houses, streets, in fleeting fluff.

But ‘Go to sleep!’ and ‘That’s ENOUGH!’

And so, with slow disgruntled tread

The clouds crawl slowly back to bed,

The floor still left all feather-strewn.

The sun will come and tidy soon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Burger Burglar

The burger burglar comes at night, when nobody’s there to disturb her.

The burger burglar comes at night, when nobody’s there to curb her.

The burger burglar’s lithe. The burger burglar’s thin.

She spots a broken window pane, and slinky as chips, slips in.

The burger burglar’s up to no good; she stops and looks around her.

The burger burglar wants some food; she spots a quarter pounder.

She squeezes the ketchup (no-one can catch her).

Mayonnaise too (and no-one can match her).

She gobbles ten burgers, bun after bun,

But here come the sirens – run, run, run!

The burger burglar’s full. Her tummy’s as round as a ball.

The burger burglar tries to escape, but she can’t even move at all.

The burger burglar’s in a fine pickle

(Her nose is oozing with sauce in a trickle).

The burger burglar’s fat, she’s stout. She tries to run but she can’t get out.

She hears the cops, they yell, they shout!

But then she spots a salad leaf,

(And this bit here’s beyond belief)

She chomps it up, she waits, and then

The burger burglar’s thin again.

The burger burglar runs, and nobody sees her go.

The burger burglar runs, and nobody seems to know

Who see is. Who she could be? Whoever she is it’s a mystery!

I don’t think it’s you and I’m sure it’s not me!

The burger burglar’s cunning. She’s crafty, she’s nifty, she’s bright.

So lock up your burgers in case she comes to burgle your burgers tonight.

 

 

 

 

 

Snowflake Sweaters

Uncle Nat always knits

Teeny tiny little bits

And when I ask him what he makes

He says they’re for the snowy flakes

That flutter past us, one by one

And might be cold from lack of sun.

Manbirds

Have you heard the ladybird

Who said: ‘I think it’s quite absurd

That people call us ladies, when

Some of us are really men’?

Pains in the Neck

Doctor, doctor, doctor,

I’ve got all these pains in my neck.

What could they be? Hmmm, let me see.

I’ll put on my glasses and check.

I’ll have to look ever so carefully,

Come a bit closer, yes, come.

This one it’s plain is a very big pain,

And it looks very much like your mum.

Now let me examine the others.

This one is terribly bad.

It’s large and it’s lumpy and all cross and grumpy

I think that this pain is your Dad.

Now this one is huge! How annoying!

It looks like a boil or a blister.

It’s such a big pest – put it under arrest!

It seems to look just like your sister.

But look! This one’s surely the biggest!

It’s simply ginormous – it’s true.

It’s awful, atrocious (and sometimes ferocious)

I think that this pain must be you.

Cleaning Tips

I’ve been meaning to do all the cleaning

For ages, perhaps a whole year.

I’ve been meaning to do all the cleaning,

But – hey, check this out, over here!

I’ve been meaning to do all the cleaning,

But oh this is such a good book!

I’ve been meaning to do all the cleaning,

But Google is great! Take a look!

I’ve been meaning to do all the cleaning,

But what’s that outside? Just a bird?

I’ve been meaning to do all the cleaning,

But what’s in the news – have you heard?

I’ve been meaning to do all the cleaning

But – what? It’s on now? On TV?

I’ve been meaning to do all the cleaning,

But fancy a nice cup of tea?

I’ve been meaning to do all the cleaning,

And one day I’ll do it, oh yes!

I’ve been meaning to do…oh forget it,

I’d rather just live in this mess.