Seasalt

Don’t complain that the sea’s full of salt;

It could have been worse and it’s not my fault.

The giant who lives in the blue stormy bays

Wanted his fish with fresh mayonnaise,

And ketchup and onions and green mushy peas,

Sitting like islands in indigo seas.

And his ships he wanted with lashings of gravy,

Muddy and gloopy and soupy and wavy,

And rainfalls of vinegar all made from malt.

But before I said ‘No’, he’d poured out the salt,

Which sprinkled like snow from the sky and then spilt

In the mud and the muck and the sand and the silt.

But please just be thankful he used the salt first

Just imagine the sea had the pepper pot burst.

Olympic Cold

I’m supposed to be watching athletics,

But I’m stuck here in bed with a cold.

Though my nose has been running so snottily fast

That’s it’s won an Olympic gold.

Worse Than Worms

If there’s one thing worse than a worm in your apple

It’s finding a snake in your cake.

You bite through the pillowy icing (oh bliss!),

But then, what’s this? A whispering hiss.

And as you bite further a horrid surprise:

The glimmering glare of candle-like eyes

And a tongue that cuts through the sponge like a fork,

And you scream and you screech you shriek and you squawk

As the cream-crusted slithering sibilant snake

Starts licking its lips, like you are its cake.

And as the snake writhes and wriggles and squirms

You think that you’d rather eat thousands of worms

Than be gobbled and guzzled like something enticing

All covered with chocolate and sprinkles and icing.

And then with a flick and not stopping to pause

It quickly unhinges its jam-red jaws

And with a big grin and a grind of its gums

It crunches you into a crumple of crumbs.

If there’s one thing worse than a worm in your apple

It’s finding a snake in your cake.

 

 

Cards, Nicely

‘I’ve won! I’ve won! I’ve won! I’ve won!’

‘Oh no you’ve not! We’ve not begun!’

‘It’s my turn now – it is, it is!’

‘Oh no it’s not!’ ‘It’s mine!’ ‘It’s his!’

‘You can’t just make up all the rules!’

‘Who said I did? You bunch of fools!’

‘Oi, you cheated! That’s not fair!’

‘Did not, did not, did not – so there!’

‘Not playing nicely? What a shame!’

‘Oh Mum, buzz off, you spoiled our game!’

 

Splashing in Muddles

It’s rained and rained and rained this July

The chuckling grey clouds are confusing the sky.

So please, can’t somebody tell me why

It’s rained and rained and rained?

The garden is crawling with pestilent whales

(Slug pellets don’t do the trick).

Sharks with sharp fins are raiding the bins

And giving the rubbish a lick.

Seahorses, neighing, are nibbling the grass,

A whole school of dolphins has just joined my class,

And the streets are like sheets of shimmering glass.

It’s rained and rained and rained.

If you say ‘walk’ then a whole group of seals

Will sit up and slobber and bark.

And the catfish meow when you say to them ‘Now

Let’s go for a swim in the park’.

Our basements and kitchens and halls are awash

With squadrons of squids (it’s a bit of a squash),

And walruses wait by the walls for a wash.

It’s rained and rained and rained.

The poor old thermometer’s down in the dumps;

It’s stuck in its bed with a cold.

And as for the sun, well it’s not much fun,

All musty with mildew and mould.

We all need our hats and our boats to go out,

As we dream of the dry and we sigh for a drought.

Our world is all water! There can’t be a doubt

That it’s rained and rained and rained.

 

 

 

 

 

Honesty

Make my bed? I would if I could,

But really and truly, I don’t think I should.

There’s a big armadillo right under my pillow

That’s snuffling and sniffing out ants.

It blows through its nose till the sheets start to billow

(It’s wearing my best pair of pants).

Why, oh why, are you shaking you head?

Don’t you believe a word that I said?

There’s a green parakeet that’s sat on my sheet,

I’m trying to teach it to talk.

It can squeak through its beak: ‘Give me something to eat’

Though the sound of it’s more like a squawk.

Why, oh why, are you shaking your head?

Don’t you believe a word that I said?

Slumped on my quilt, and wearing a kilt,

Is a very strange beast from Loch Ness.

It’s wriggling and worming and squiggling and squirming

And making a terrible mess.

Why, oh why, are you shaking your neck?

Don’t you believe a word of – oh, heck!

Well Nessie was grumbling her stomach was rumbling

I didn’t, though, think she’d eat you

But really, I said that I can’t make my bed

Next time believe that it’s true.

 

 

 

Clip Clop

Clip clop, clip clop, trotting to the chip shop

Trotting to the chip shop a mile down the street

Clip clop, clip clop, trotting to the chip shop

What have they got for a pony to eat?

Out of the paddock. A hake or a haddock?

(Left at the yew tree, right at the gate)

Out of the paddock. A hake or a haddock?

A nice bit of coley, some whiting or skate?

A canter, a canter. A big can of Fanta?

(A swish of the tail to shake off the flies)

A canter, a canter. A big can of Fanta?

A tub of ice cream and a side dish of fries?

A gallop, a gallop. Some scampi or scallops?

(Whizzing along through the fish-fragranced breeze)

A gallop, a gallop. Some scampi or scallops?

Maybe some gravy or mushy green peas?

A plod

A plod

Some fresh battered cod?

(All out of breath

And an ache

In one leg)

A plod

A plod

Some fresh battered cod?

A saveloy sausage

A fine pickled egg?

Clip clop, clip clop

Here we are – the chip shop!

What have you got

For a poor hungry horse?

Clip clop, clip clop

Here we are – the chip shop

All that I want

Is some mayoneeeeeeeeighse sauce

 

 

Pitter Patter

Pitter patter

What’s the matter

With this summer?

What a bummer!

Raining pouring

Same old boring

Leaden sky and

Nothing dry and

Please will someone

Tell me why

It’s pitter patter

What’s the matter

With this summer?

What a bummer!

Dropping dripping

Slopping slipping

Pavements wet

And never yet

Arriving where you

Want to get

It’s pitter patter

What’s the matter

With this summer?

What a bummer!

Coughing croaking

Sopping soaking

Wearing sweater

Even wetter

Come on rain, just stop!

(It better!)

Pitter patter

Come on sun

Just show yourself!

This rain’s not fun

So no more shyness

Get some training

Be assertive

STOP THIS RAINING!

 

 

 

 

I Once Knew a Fella

I once knew a fella who had an umbrella

All riddled with holes on top.

And when the rain pitted,

And when the rain pattered,

And when the rain splattered and just wouldn’t stop,

And the water ran into the holes and went through

He stood in his pants, holding soap and shampoo

For fifty five minutes (and sometimes an hour)

Crying ‘Heavens above! What a glorious shower’.

And then when the sun tiptoed out of a cloud

He’d hold his umbrella, and holler out loud:

‘Let the beautiful air through these holes dry my hair’,

And if anyone stared – why, he hadn’t a care!

Yes, I once knew a fella who had an umbrella

All riddled with holes on top.

But one rainy day he was taken away

And marched through the grey grisly town to a shop,

And was bought an umbrella all shiny and new

Which didn’t have holes for the rain to come through,

And then had to use it – well, what could he do?

But although he kept dry, and he tried not to cry

He looked very doleful. I think I know why.

His hole-full umbrella, his one-of-a-kind

Had been taken away, and yes he did mind.

He like being different. He liked getting wet.

And if ever you see that man these days, I bet

He’ll be trudging through town

With a frown

And his mouth turned down

Just shuffling

His feet

Down the street

And won’t stop

Till he finds

An umbrella

With holes

On the top.

 

 

 

 

 

Who Did That?

Who did that? Who did that?

Hide the evidence, blame the cat

Whistle calmly at the sky

While thinking up an alibi

Who did that? Who did that?

Hide the evidence, blame the cat

Yell: ‘You pesty little brother!’

Right in front of Dad and Mother

Who did that? Who did that?

Hide the evidence, blame the cat

Shake your head and give a frown

And say: ‘The wind just knocked it down’

Who did that? Who did that?

Hide the evidence, blame the cat

Raise an eyebrow, say: ‘You know

That thing was broken years ago’

Who did that? Who did that?

Hide the evidence, blame the cat

Say: ‘Oh never mind, who cares?’

While running briskly up the stairs

Who did that? Who did that?

Hide the evidence, blame the cat

Cry: ‘It wasn’t me, you fool

It must have been a ghost or ghoul’

Who did that? Who did that?

Hide the evidence, blame the cat

But don’t you ever dare own up

To smashing (whoops!) your mum’s best cup