Milky Way

High up in the Milky Way

The space cows gently moo,

Their farts make up the solar wind

(I bet you never knew).

 

They’re milked by Martian menials

Who give a kindly squeeze,

Then churn the milk the whole night through

To make the moon’s green cheese.

 

 

Just before they snooze each night

They stop and chew the cud,

And now and then fall down to earth

With one astounding thud.

 

 

People see the holes they’ve made

‘A meteor? But how?’

But we know that each shooting star

Is just a falling cow.

Be Careful What You Eat

There was a silly man I knew

Who ate a great big pot of glue,

And then, to sounds of screams and howls

It travelled through his tum and bowels.

It soon came out, and now his chair’s

Stuck firmly to his derriere.

 

You Know the One I Mean

That Thingybob Ohwhatshissname

Is world-renowned. His brilliant fame

Is known throughout the seven seas

(Of course we know the names of these).

His date of birth was whatsthatyear,

Born maybe there, or maybe here.

He won the War of Whenwhatwhere,

(Fought maybe here, or maybe there).

He died, we know, of whatwhohow,

And everyone remembers now,

In detail, all his deeds and stuff,

(At least, we think we know enough).

So never will we damp the flame

Of Thingybob Ohwhatshisname.

 

 

 

Parcel

If the postman knew, or cared,

For how I sat and waited,

Stared,

Or how, at each approaching van

I rushed downstairs, and ran and ran

To hear the silent mocking ‘thwat’

Of nothing

Falling on the mat,

Or maybe the machine-gunned ‘thunk

thunk thunk thunk thunk’ of adverts,

junk,

Then would he have a heart so hard

To leave a sad distorted card

Saying

‘Sorry you were out when we called’?

 

Back to School After Easter

Please note that I was just playing around here – I don’t necessarily agree with the sentiment of the poem. In fact my children were raring to go to school this morning.

Bye to the groves of green-grown grass

It’s back to our lessons, and back to our class

Back to our spellings and long lists of words

And bye to the bellings of insects and birds

Bye to our smiles and bye to our laughs

Back to the tiles, and the charts, and the graphs

And the facts and the figures, times tables and sums,

And the ‘Please stand up straight’s and the ‘sit on your bums’

Bye to the books that we read just for pleasure

And savour and store, remember and treasure

Bye to the chicks, and bye to the foxes

Back to the ticks and back to the boxes

Back to the walls, all so neat and so square

And bye to the call of the sweet spring air

Bye to the world with its wide open pages

It’s back to the rules, and the fools in their cages.

 

 

 

Bastet

She narrows her eyes. Surveys the scene.

The empress of all, the feline queen.

And she flicks her tail, as if to say

‘How best to order my subjects today?’

With imperious gaze she sits alone

On hair-strewn carpet, cardboard throne,

And she thinks to herself: ‘how terribly odd

That people no longer believe I’m a god’.

She stretches. She yawns. And only she knows

She could rule a whole realm, if only she chose.

Soon she will conquer the rest of the world

But now she sleeps, softly curled,

Breathing gently, hushed, serene;

The empress of all, the feline queen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Want

When I want an ice cream

I haven’t got a nice scream

But when I’ve got an ice cream

I seem to be quite nice.

The Woods of Wo

If ever you go to the Woods of Wo, if ever you go to the Woods,

You’ll find weasels with sneezles and Woozles who snoozle,

And all kinds of creatures and bugs who bamboozle,

And small dreamy streams that still sparkle and oozle,

If ever you go to the Woods.

 

If ever you go to the Woods of Wo, if ever you go to the Woods,

You’ll find trees full of cheesecake and puffy-fluff pie,

With their leaves stroking clouds in the candyfloss sky,

And even the earth seems to soar and to fly,

If ever you go to the Woods.

 

If ever you go to the Woods of Wo, if ever you go to the Woods,

Savour it, drink it, before you are told

That you can’t see the Woozles, because you’re too old,

And the fire, and the laughter and light all grow cold,

If ever you go to the Woods.

 

If ever you go to the Woods of Wo, if ever you go to the Woods,

Keep all the creatures and treasure each tree,

Before a dark thicket is all that you see.

Will you go to the Woods, to the Woods, for me,

If ever you go to the Woods?

After Easter

Easter egg and Easter bunny

(Filled with fondant – gooey, runny)

Easter lamb and Easter chick

And too much chocolate Easter sick.