Archive for June, 2012

June 30, 2012

Hullabaloo

I didn’t see a thing but if you ask my Mum what she saw

She says she saw a fire engine sitting on a seesaw

It was balanced by a donkey, though it might have suited me more

What a noise! Can you join in (the fire engine will begin)

This raucous rowdy racket din

This nee naw seesaw hee haw?

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June 28, 2012

Plug Your Ears

My little sister’s trying to insist,

She’s trying to insist she can whistle.

But the noise somehow is more like an ‘ow’

As if someone just sat on a thistle,

She knows that noise has lots of power.

She’s been doing it now for over an hour,

And the more we say it has to end,

The more she drives us round the bend.

She can’t do it properly – it’s just pretend!

But if anything bad could drive us mad,

We’re fairly certain this’ll:

wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh

 

 

June 26, 2012

Oh I Do Like to Go Beside the Seaside

There isn’t a hope of soap

And where there should be toilet roll

There’s only a gaping sniggering hole

The toilet won’t flush (it’s not got a handle)

And as for the dryer – my goodness it’s dire

It wouldn’t blow out a birthday cake candle!

Half the sea is all over the floor

The light’s not lighting (or not any more)

It’s drenched in stench and stinky stuff and

The toilet seat is all covered in sand

How on earth can anyone cope

When there isn’t a hope of soap?

 

 

June 24, 2012

The Most Important News in the Whole Wide World

Have you heard the news? I’ve got a bruise!

I’ve got a bruise, I said.

Here, let me show you – it’s under my shoes.

It’s going to take simply ages to lose.

It very enormous and hurty and red.

I’ve got a bruise, a bruise, I said!

Have you looked at it properly – have you seen?

It might turn yellow, or turquoise or green!

I’m incredibly brave and pretending it’s fine,

But nobody ever gets bruises like mine.

And I can’t see the doctor or even the nurse,

As walking will make the bruise terribly worse.

And my foot my fall off (you never know).

Here – let me give you one more show.

Have you heard the news? I’ve got a bruise

On my smallest toe, under my shoes.

That’s way more special by far than my sister,

Who’s boasting about a pathetic old blister,

But my bruise will be in a medical book.

Here – let me give you one last look.

Have you heard the news? I’ve got a bruise

I’ve got a bruise, I said.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

June 22, 2012

Supermarket Baby

I’m gliding down the aisles in a trolley that’s so fast

You can listen to the whish of the air as I go past.

I go whooshing with Mum pushing as I shoot past the fruit

Old ladies turn their heads and say ‘Isn’t he cute?’

I stop at near the honey

‘Hey sugar, take a ride

You’re a sweet treat for eating, so hop on right inside’

I breeze past the freezers and I say to a pea:

You think you’re cool? Well darling, look at me!’

I whizz and I whirr with my wheels just a blur

Past the flour and the cake mix where I cause quite a stir.

I fill up the trolley, and then with a shout

I crash into the cashiers: ‘Hey, come and check me out!’

Then I smile for a while as I glide back down the aisle

I’m the supermarket baby and I’m shopping in style.

 

 

 

 

 

 

June 20, 2012

With Sympathy

Dear old Yeti, we feel your pain

At having to eat that spaghetti again,

As all that our owner will feed us is noodles.

Yours sincerely,

The Poet’s Pet Poodles

June 18, 2012

Just Say Cheese

What’s your name? Bill? Ah, that’s nice

Now sit over here – we’ll be done in a trice

Just say cheese, please

Don’t fidget or frown, don’t sulk or look down

Just say cheese, please

Don’t pick your nose or wipe snot on your clothes

Don’t fidget or frown, don’t sulk or look down

Just say cheese, please

Don’t scratch your chin, and do keep that tongue in

Don’t pick your nose or wipe snot on your clothes

Don’t fidget or frown, don’t sulk or look down

Just say cheese, please

Don’t grimace or stare, make a mess of your hair

Don’t scratch your chin, and do keep that tongue in

Don’t pick your nose or wipe snot on your clothes

Don’t fidget or frown, don’t sulk or look down

Just say cheese, please

Don’t shut your eyes, and please – do up those flies!

Don’t grimace or stare, make a mess of your hair

Don’t scratch your chin, and do keep that tongue in

Don’t pick your nose or wipe snot on your clothes

Don’t fidget or frown, don’t sulk or look down

Just say cheese, please

Don’t eat your shirt – can you brush off that dirt?

Don’t shut your eyes, and please – do up those flies!

Don’t grimace or stare, make a mess of your hair

Don’t scratch your chin, and do keep that tongue in

Don’t pick your nose or wipe snot on your clothes

Don’t fidget or frown, don’t sulk or look down

Just say cheese, please

Don’t stick out your tum – is it itching, your bum?

Don’t eat your shirt – can you brush off that dirt?

Don’t shut your eyes, and please – do up those flies!

Don’t grimace or stare, make a mess of your hair

Don’t scratch your chin, and do keep that tongue in

Don’t pick your nose or wipe snot on your clothes

Don’t fidget or frown, don’t sulk or look down

Just say cheese, please

That’s it!

That’s brill, Bill

Hold it

Hold it

Hold it

Bill!

JUST SAY CHEESE!

Please

 

 

June 16, 2012

Great Aunty Laura

We’re going to stay with our Great Aunty Laura.

She lovely! She’s brilliant! She’s cool! We adore her!

There’s only one problem…

The hour is getting incredibly late

And our stomachs are rumbling – it’s time that we ate

The midnight feast that we’ve carefully prepared,

And which, to be honest, we don’t want shared

With our Great Aunty Laura (although we adore her).

But Laura’s rabbiting on and on

About the days that have now long gone,

And when she talks of the time she was young

We can’t do a thing to stop her tongue.

She claims she was once a wild jungle explorer,

A dancer, a chancer, a top football scorer,

And all we can do is sit there and listen

(Or at least pretend) as her eyes glow and glisten.

She’s never going to stop.

And so I turn to my sister and whisper:

‘If we want her to sleep, our Great Aunty Laura,

What we must do is sit tight here and bore her’.

So we yawn and stare, and slump in the chair

(While thinking, of course, all this waiting’s not fair),

And talk about stuff that is boring enough

To have an insomniac nodding right off.

And then my sister, stifling a cough,

Says ‘Shhhhh, I think we’ve done it’.

And she points with her thumb straight at Great Aunty Laura,

And blimey – good heavens! – that lady’s a snorer!

It makes the whole house seem to tremble and shake.

So surely Aunt Laura is not still awake?

I mouth at my sister: ‘She’s fast asleep’,

So we crawl, we skitter, we slink, we creep,

We slither, we sidle, we tiptoe, we skulk

Past the chair where she’s lying, that great snoring hulk.

But then one of her eyes seems to open and wink,

As if to say ‘Children, just where do you think

You are going, at this time of night?’

She’s fast asleep though – so that can’t be right!

So my sister (who’s nearest our Great Aunty Laura)

Says: ‘Sleeptalking. Come on, just try to ignore her’.

‘But she winked!’ I say, ‘She winked – I saw her!’

But my sister says ‘Sssshh’ and she gives me a push

Through the door, down the hall, and then to the table

From where, as fast as we’re possibly able,

We take all the food that we’d hidden at tea

And pretty much everything else we can see –

The biscuits, the cheese, the juice, the jam,

The slices of sausage, salami and ham –

And we cram it all in, this midnight snack,

To a small and holey plastic sack.

It’s all we could find

But we don’t mind.

All we care about now

Is getting upstairs.

Somehow.

We need to get back past Great Aunty Laura,

Who’s sleeping (and that’s how we really adore her),

That jungle explorer,

That top football scorer,

That champion snorer.

And yes – she’s still making that thunderous rumble.

And so through the darkness we creep and we fumble.

We don’t say a word, we don’t whisper or speak,

And then

We hear

A floorboard

Creak.

And before we know it, there in the door,

Is our Great Aunty Laura, who lets out a

ROAR!

Er…

What can we do? What can we do?

Pretend we were up just to go to the loo?

My sister tries to hide the sack

(All bulging with food) behind her back,

But then the sack splits, and – Thump! Bang! Crash!

The food all falls out.

We try to dash,

But Laura has grabbed us, she grips at our collars,

And then with her jaws opened wide, Laura hollers

(You wouldn’t believe quite how loud she can shout):

WHY DID YOU TWO LEAVE ME OUT!’

And so we share our midnight feast

With our Great Aunty Laura, who is, at least,

A pretty cool aunt,

But we can’t

Keep our eyes

Open

For long

With Great Aunty Laura

Rabbiting on,

And on,

And on,

And on.

And in the morning,

The food

Is gone.

June 14, 2012

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June 12, 2012

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