Original poems for the young at heart
My birthday cake’s on the table
(Chocolatey, chewy, chocolatey, chewy)
It’s oozing oodles of dream-creamy filling
(Gorgeously gooey, gorgeously gooey)
But what will I say to my parents, because
I have a small problem: the chocolate cake
Was
(If you know what I mean)
And I don’t know what to do, you see
As I’m feeling too full for my birthday tea
But now I’m five I know the game –
I’ll just find somebody younger to blame
They always say to me: ‘Haven’t you grown!’
And I think: ‘Well really, they might have known
I mean what were they wondering, what did they think?
I was going to go and shrink?’
And then they say: ‘What do you want to do?’
And I think to myself: ‘But I haven’t a clue!
I’m still very young and the world is wide
I’ll wait till I’m big, then I might decide’
But if I ask: ‘Will the sun sing today,
And will the wind dance and buttercups sway?’
They purse their lips, and then they say:
‘Don’t ask silly questions
Don’t ask silly questions’
When a farm dog (known as Jack)
Promised he’d give a ride on his back
To the creature he thought was the most polite
You should have heard the din that night!
‘Me!’ oinked the pig
And ‘Me!’ baaed the sheep
And ‘Me!’ mooed the cow, bellowing deep
And ‘Me!’ quacked the duck
And ‘Me!’ screeched the cat
And ‘Me! Me! Me!’ squeaked the farmyard rat
‘Sssshh’, said the dog, ‘haven’t you heard
Of the best, the kindest, most magic word?’
If you can’t guess what it is – very well
I’ll give you a clue – it starts with ‘P’ ‘L’’
‘I know!’ cried the pig as it gave a small sniffle
It’s pl-pl-pl, pl-pl-pl, pl-pl-pl
Pliffle!’
‘Of course not!’ the sheep baaed, ‘Stop talking such nonsense
It’s pl-pl-pl, pl-pl-pl, pl-pl-pl
Plonsense!’
‘Nah’, mooed the cow, who was sniffing a conker
‘It’s pl-pl-pl, pl-pl-pl, pl-pl-pl
Plonker!’
‘This rubbish’, the duck quacked, ‘has just got to stop
It’s pl-pl-pl, pl-pl-pl, pl-pl-pl
Plop!’
‘Wrong!’ cried the cat, who was eating a fish
‘It’s pl-pl-pl, pl-pl-pl, pl-pl-pl
Plish!’
‘That’s no good at all!’ squeaked the rat ‘You’re all silly
It’s pl-pl-pl, pl-pl-pl, pl-pl-pl
Plilly!’
The dog looked round. ‘Well this is absurd
Does nobody know the magic word?’
But then, carried faint on the whispering breeze
He heard ‘Pl-pl-pl, pl-pl-pl, pl-pl-pl please’
‘Alleluia!’ the dog cried out
‘And there I was, beginning to doubt
That anyone else round here was polite
Thank goodness that one of you got it right!
But who said please? Yes, do tell me who
As I want to award the prize to you’
‘Us’ came a voice, ‘we said ‘please’’
And the dog looked around and he saw two
FLEAS!
The dog went pale, his face filled with dread
‘But I didn’t really mean what I said
Hey look’, he went on, ‘Look here, you guys
Maybe you’d like a different prize’
‘You promised’ the fleas said ‘you must keep your word
You promised a ride, it can’t be transferred’
‘Noooooo’ yelped the dog, howling out the dark
‘Your bite is far, far, worse than my bark
But as I promised a ride – hop on’
And he picked up his tail and away they were gone
And do you think those fleas did bite?
What did you say?
Well you’re probably right
Quick! Quick! Quick! Under the sheet
Mum’s on the stairs – I can hear her feet
So quickly, quickly, quickly HIDE
She’s on the landing, right outside
So close your eyes, keep still, breathe deep
And just pretend you’re fast asleep
Coast clear? OK…
Show me! Show me! What have you got?
A square of chocolate (not a lot!)
Three crisps, two sweets, one peanut (tick)
I hear a noise – just hide it, quick!
So close your eyes, keep still, breathe deep
And just pretend you’re fast asleep
Coast clear? Ok…
Do you think it’s time we ate?
Look at the clock. Half past eight?
Maybe we should just begin
Ssshhh – there’s Mum, she’s coming in!
So close your eyes, keep still, breathe deep
And just pretend you’re fast asleep
Coast clear? Ok…
It must be nearly midnight now
Oh let’s just start it anyhow
Where’s the torch? The battery’s dead
Help! There’s Mum! Get back to bed!
So close your eyes,
keep still,
breathe deep
And just
pretend
you’re fast
asl…
I’m Superhero Sam
I’m the man with a plan
I’m saving the world
That’s right, I am!
I can do anything
I’ve got superhero powers
Like jumping in big puddles
And constructing great tall towers
I can even fly
I’ve got superhero wings
Though my Mum might tell you
That they’re mittens on strings
I’m a wham bam superman
I’m Superhero Sam
I’m saving the world
That’s right, I am!
I defeat all the baddies
I’m the superhero boss
Though right now I’m on the naughty step -
My Mum got really cross
I’ve got a cap and a cape
They’re my superhero clothes
And I’m saving the world
When I’ve wiped my nose
‘Cos I’m Superhero Sam
I’m the man with a plan
I’m saving the world
That’s right, I am!
‘The End’
Said the queen ‘Is starting to send
Me up the wall and round the bend
Happily ever after? Pish!
No – what I really, really wish’
Said the queen, as she flicked to page one
‘Is to start again. Now I’ve just begun!’
And she grabbed the ‘Once upon a time’
Hitched up her dress, and started to climb
She pulled at the letters, she tugged and she jerked
But, however hard she worked
Though she pushed at the letters, and gave them a nudge
The letters
simply
would not
budge
‘Nooooo!’ yelled the queen, ‘I won’t be condemned
To a boring happily after end
’Snot fair’ said the queen, as she stood in a rage
‘Where are my servants? I must have my page!’
Page One came up, he scratched his head
And giving a little bow, he said
‘Your Highness, you’ll find that these words are fixed
They can’t be pushed or pulled or mixed’
‘No good!’ cried the queen, ‘it’s prison for you!
You’re no help here – I’m calling Page Two’
‘These words’, said Page Two ‘will not come loose’
‘Off with your head!’ cried the queen ‘You’re no use!’
‘Who’s next?’ said the queen, ‘Hmm, let me see’
And she counted her fingers: ‘One, Two, Four’
(NO, NO! You silly queen
One, Two, THREE!)
Page Three came running, he scraped and he bowed
And said ‘You Maj, if I may be allowed
To give some advice to the nation’s dear leader
The thing that you need now, Your Maj, is a reader’
‘Phooey!’ the queen cried ‘What hogwash! Instead
I will send you to prison, then chop off your…
Hang on – what did you say?’
Page Three simply bowed again ‘All that you’re needing
Is a someone to come here and simply start reading’
‘But how’, said the queen, ‘will they mix up these letters
Can a reader make fun for its elders and betters?’
‘Why yes!’ cried Page Three, as he bowed and said
‘Come, come, Your Maj, to a reader’s head’
‘What?’ cried the queen. ‘Do you suppose
That I’d shrink and climb in through a reader’s nose
A big hairy tunnel of slime and snot?
Well think again, you dunce – I WILL NOT!’
‘No, no’, said Page Three, ‘No, not at all
You don’t need to get slimy and snotty and small
For as soon as the reader opens the book
There you are in their head- take a look!’
And the queen gazed opened-jawed, because
Just as he’d told her, there she was!
Zooming through pages and looming in pictures
Asking for room on a broom with some witches
Eating a snack with a piglet who
Told her she must meet his friend, named Pooh
Giving a caterpillar afternoon tea
(He’s made a cocoon now – what will he be?)
Knitting some socks for a fox in a box
While getting her tongue round chicks and clocks
Having a rumpus with strange Wild Things
And flying with Tinkerbell, flapping her wings
Then off through a wardrobe, a land filled with snow
And into a peach – it’s going to go!
Dancing with snowmen and flitting through blizzards
To Hogwarts to dine with a group of young wizards
Then sleep, and a dream on a midsummer’s night
And drinking with Bloom in Dublin’s grey light
The queen turned to Page Three. ‘Thank you!’ she said
‘Books are fantastic, as long as they’re read’
And she pardoned Page Three and Page Two and Page One
‘Come!’ cried the queen ‘now it’s time for some fun!’
So look at the queen, as she skips and she goes
To the back of the book, right to the close
And she climbs up ‘The End’ and she tears up the ‘T’
And the ‘H’ and the ‘E’ and the ‘E’, ‘N’, ‘D’
Yes she rips up ‘The End’, she tears it apart
And she writes, in big letters: ‘Just The Start’
‘
When the troll woke up from his afternoon snooze
He suddenly noticed he’d started to ooze
“Gazumping gadzooks!” yelled the terrified troll
“I’m leaking, I’m seeping, I’ve sprung a huge hole!’
And he stared and he stared at the pool of green goo
“Shrogstomping shindigs! Oh what shall I do?
This gunk is a-thunking, it’s going to plop
It’s dripping, it’s dropping – this plop has to stop!”
And as fast as he could this poor panic-struck troll
Fetched pails and big buckets, a basin and bowl
“I’ll get it!” he shouted “I’m going to snatch it
I’ll whip this old drip thing – I’m going to catch it”
But the drip wasn’t showing a hint of go-slowing
And soon the troll’s bowls were full up overflowing
Then “I know!” the troll cried,” I’ll just use a zip
With a zip I can clip it, this dastardly drip”
He’s now zipped it up, but do you suppose
That he knows that a zip is now zipping his nose?
And with the drip zipped, it’s hardly surprising
The pressure inside that poor troll is now rising
So if you one day meet a troll on the road
Be careful, be careful, he might just expl…
Urgh, that was a bit messy, wasn’t it?
But don’t say I didn’t try to warn you
Pssst!
Over here!
That’s right
Yes, you!
Now don’t breathe a word, whatever you do
This thing is top secret. That’s right, it’s essential
You don’t tell a soul, it remains
CONFIDENTIAL
Got that?
Now don’t be alarmed, but we’ve reason to think
There’s a criminal mastermind spoiling our ink
We use our felt tips, and we put the lids on
But a split second later –
Where have the lids gone?
We’ve very few clues, but we haven’t a doubt
That this criminal gang wants our ink to dry out
Your Mum might blame you – no, she never believes
It’s the work of a lidnapper, smuggler or thieves
But we know we put the lids in the right place
So now our detectives are hot on the case
And Interpol’s put out a global alert
While hoping those pen lids are safe and unhurt
It’s really not our fault we’ve got dried up ink
It has to be lidnappers
What do you think?
We’re going on strike, on strike today
That’s right, we’re going on strike
We want more cash, we want more pay
Our pocket money’s far too low, we say
We’re going on strike, we won’t clear our mess
But we never do that anyway
OK, start again
We’re going on strike, on strike, tonight
That’s right, we’re going on strike
We want more money, we’re up for the fight
To purchase sweets is a human right
We’re going on strike, we won’t do the dishes
But we never do those anyway
Ok, start again
We’re going on strike, on strike from chores
That’s right, we’re going on strike
We need more chocolate, lots from the stores
If not we’ll battle, we’ll fight our wars
And we’ll never, ever do as we’re told
But we never do that anyway
Um…
We’re not going to tidy or do any jobs
Those aren’t the things that we like
But if we ever do those things
That’s right – we’re going on strike!
When Mum says: ‘What did you do today?’
I never know what I’m supposed to say
I sat on my bum
I did a sum
(There were one or two
That I couldn’t quite do)
I wrote some words
I ate my dinner
I ran some races
(I wasn’t the winner)
And everything else I’ve clean forgot
So I always just say
‘Not-a-lot’
