August 18, 2014

To the Customer Service Manager, Sibling Department

Dear Madam,

I’m writing today to say (and I hope that this letter’s effective),

It seems that my sister’s developed a fault – her volume control is defective.

She never just speaks – no, she screeches and shrieks, and my ears have a terrible ache.

And yes, I DO mind her; whoever designed her has made quite a major mistake.

So could you arrange a return or exchange? I’m afraid that there IS no receipt,

But I’m happy to swap her for anything else.

P.S.  A TV would be neat.

August 15, 2014

Feline Gratitude

Enter room

Tail in air

Empty bowl

Icy glare.

Jump on lap

Quick purr

(Large green eyes

Soft warm fur).

Jump on floor

Mew and roll

Stomp and scowl

Stand by bowl.

Tin is opened

Tongue flick

Chomp chew

Final lick.

Empty bowl

Triumphant stare

Leave room

Tail in air.


August 11, 2014

Bored Games

We’re all getting bored,

So Dad says let’s play some board games.

Bored games.

Board games.


Some ‘Hurry, roll the dice’ games.

‘Children! Just be nice!’ games.

‘Quick, take a card!’ games.

‘This is far too hard!’ games.

‘Come on it’s your turn’ games.

‘Won’t you ever learn?’ games.

‘Hey! That’s unfair!’ games.

‘So? I don’t care!’ games.

‘Right – I’ll check the rules’ games.

‘You lot are such fools!’ games.

Going on for years games.

Tantrumming and tears games.

Dad’s hard to beat games.

OK, then we’ll cheat games.

‘What? You can’t do THAT!’ games.

‘Don’t be such a brat!’ games.

‘Ha! Dad, I’ve won!’ games.

‘Told you they were fun!’ games.

‘Play another game?’ games.

‘Nah, they’re all the same, games’.

Bored games.

Board games.



August 8, 2014

What I Detest About Toast

The thing I detest about toast, the most,

Is unless you are quick with the butter knife – flick!

Then it gets far too cold for the butter to spread

And your toast sort of stares, like it’s bitter old bread,

All horrid and hard and full of contempt

For your paltry and pitiful toasting attempt.

That’s what I detest about toast.

August 5, 2014

The Sulk Song

Sometimes I think that I can’t do a thing

And I’m rubbish at all that I do.

But then I slump down with a scowl and a frown

And remember there’s one thing that’s true:

I’m stupendous at sulking, I’m marvellous at moping,

I’ve tantrums right down to a ‘t’.

I’m brilliant at brooding, my griping is great,

And there’s no one as moody as me.

When it’s time to be cross I’m the best – I’m the boss!

To beat me’s tremendously tough.

So buzz off, goodbye! And don’t you dare try!

As I’m off on a hundred-year huff.



July 21, 2014

Hands Up in Class

Please, Miss! Please, Miss! I need to tell you this, Miss!

When you want speak, boy, you must put up your hand.

Please, Miss! Please, Miss! I had it up before, Miss!

Put it up again, then! You don’t understand!

Please, Miss! Please, Miss! I can’t put up my hand, Miss!

No such word as can’t, boy, and don’t sit there and cough.

But please, Miss! Please, Miss! I had it up for hours, Miss,

And now I need to tell you that my hand’s dropped off!

July 18, 2014

One Better

Finger clicking’s easy – everybody knows!

But I can go one better; I can click my toes.

I can blink both my ears, I can waggle both my eyes,

I can nod with my navel, raise one nostril in surprise,

I can hum through my bum, I can grin with my chin,

And with my lovely lashes I can play the violin.

Oh yes finger clicking’s easy – everybody knows!

But I can go one better; I can click my toes.

July 11, 2014

Sports Day

Quick on your marks!

Foot on the line.

I’m going to win!

The prize will be mine!

Everyone ready?

Then steady, get set!

I’ll be the best!

Yes I’ll beat them, I bet!

They’ll crawl and they’ll dawdle;

They’re sluggish, they’re slow,

While I’ll whoosh like the wind.

And now one, two, three GO!

I’m flying out fast

At the front of the race,

Then stumble and tumble

And flat on my face.


July 7, 2014


The loss of our pet octopus

Was really quite a shock to us.

It didn’t even say goodbye;

Like all our other octopi

It simply waved its tentacles.

We don’t know where it wentacles.


July 4, 2014

Ice Lolly on a Sunny Day

Quick! Lick!

Icy lips.

Stuck on tongue.

Melting drips.

Nibble, nibble,

Slurp. Rush!

Chunky bites.

Lolly slush.



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